被窝里。
”Why she called you ‘Yumi’?“
“那是我的小名。”
“Why such a Japanese name? Oh, and uh, by the way, I thought speaking English would makes you feel slightly more comfortable? When talking about certain topics?”
“Yeah, sure. And I do appreciate that we can synchronize in this way, I mean, it’s good that you can speak English quite well. Hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all. Afterall, you, in fact, made me that way. Je parle Français aussi, if you want.”
“нет. Don’t get cocky, please. I didn’t mean it.”
“Of course I know. I was just kidding. But you haven’t explained why you spoke Japanese yet.”
“Alright, uh, things are quite complicated – my grandma, on my mother’s side, was technically a Japanese. So I was taught Japanese as my second language since I was a girl. I never told anyone this.”
“Wow. So you’re a so-called hybrid, too. Even more complicated than I am. So no wonder why you’re having such a great talent for language.”
“Things are similar for us, in some way. I just didn’t understand why we ended up that way – I mean, we could have worked out better.”
“Ain’t that the truth. And I was wondering where is your father, for all these years? Never heard from you about him.”
“My father is a hypocrite. He left the family, without divorce, hanging me and my mom. Just for his reputation, and power, within that little ridiculous school. But my mom, was quite strong. She brought me up alone, still, with the facade. She never married again.”
“So that’s what you meant, where the crying little girl comes from?”
我点头。
“And why would you come to me? If your childhoood was so ruined by such a jerk, how come you’re still interested in guy like me?”
“Just someday, I suddenly realized that if I keep it that way, I would become the slave of all those shadows that he had brought to me.”
“I don’t get it.”
“My father, had done so many terrible things and chose to flee the family. We all knew it, but no one can change it. He can’t be threatened, condemned, or revenged, and he will always be my father, forever. So why should I carry this on my shoulders?”
“Sorry, I mean, why me?”
“You are always so narcissitic. Yeah, but you’re right, in some way. I hated him but I have to set myself free. My mother was another case – I love her, but I can’t save her because she rejects so – she no longer trusts men. Any other.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“I am not quite sure, actually. Or perhaps, I should say, YOU chose me. Your way of being hilarious and sarcastic, your disguise and mock-up playboy style... All of these were simply telling me that you were actually hollow as I was. And, uh, I guess I just can’t resist it.”
“So that was the collision. But what changed your mind? I mean, you rejected me.”
“It was the wrong time, you idiot. But I guess I just wanna prove that both of my parents were wrong, and I won’t repeat their faults. Maybe, I am just as stubborn as you are.”
“So you don’t believe in karma, do you?”
“I would prefer to say that the fate is actually the consequences of choices – even the choice of not choosing. ”
“Wait… So you are trying to correct the wrong things… On me?”
“I would more like to say, prevent, and, with you. Life was never interesting when I realized that all those efforts I had tried, to satisfy my parents’ expectation, were simply cages that imprisoned myself. Being a great woman isn’t for them, or their vanities. It is for myself. It sounds so lame, but yeah, I was quite like a machine before you met me.”
“So was I, after I met you.”
我俩都笑了。
”说的啥啊，’being a great woman‘，你就不能正常点吗？哪个女生像你这样的？“
”反正你也没正常到哪儿去。“
”那也是。你要是太正常了，我才看不上你呢。“
”哟，你还来劲了？是我先看上你的好吗？“
”哎你这一会儿一个样儿啊，是谁说我们不合适的来着？“
”人都是会变的啊，你是不是傻啊？“
”是啊，傻得心甘情愿进你圈套。“
”不想要别来啊，滚出去啊。“
”别别别……“
我的嘴被堵上了。哼。啊，他手在摸哪里呢。
”也就非得把你摁在床上，你才有点女人味是吗？“
行吧。
“Sometimes I think, you don’t have to get my attention by picking up a fight with me.”
“I didn’t. You treated it as attack, so there were fights. And also, I think, you don’t actually have to isolate your emotions by speaking another language. Especially, at me.”
他说得好有道理。可是我就是泪腺发达，怎么办。
“那么，我要是跟你说日语，你会不会变得温柔一点啊？”
讨厌。
妈妈笑嘻嘻地看我和他从房间里出来。
”来吃早饭啦。“
林岚忍不住哇了一声。确实，我也好久没吃妈妈做的早饭了。她脸上露出充满成就感的笑容。
饭饱。林岚起身收拾碗筷端进厨房。
“瞧你这懒的，就知道吃。”
“妈……”
“没事儿，让她坐歇会儿呗，平时都是她干。”林岚说着给我挤了个眼色。
我哼了一声。老妈笑笑没再说啥。
厨房响起水声。我掏出手机，打开微信，搜索那个Emma。
哦，果然是她。多漂亮的一个姑娘。
老妈刷着手机慢慢悠悠地晃进厨房。
我听见厨房里老妈的声音幽幽地问：“所以，你和张慧敏怎么分的？”
我以平生未有的速度弹起来冲向厨房。“妈，你这问这个干嘛啊？”
“你一边儿去！”冷不丁让她吼一下，我有点怵。这还是昨天那个温柔安静的老妈吗？
“我不会不明不白地让别人领走我的女儿的。”
“那你这么问是什么意思啊？”我站到她和林岚中间。这个我认识了25年的女人，眼睛里是冰冷的火焰。
林岚轻轻把我推开。
“没关系，这事儿确实我需要解释下。”他叹了口气，“妈，您先坐，我把这几个盘子洗完就过来给您讲。”
这改口真快呀，昨天还刘老师，今天就喊上妈了啊。
林岚的表情像是，自己切开自己的心，然后用刀刃把心房刨干净，再用刀尖一点点把血管挑开。是不是非得这样，才能愈合呢？
老妈一言不发，但是脸上还是那种不容争辩的表情。大概我的强势，就是从她这学来的吧。
原来那姑娘是当年他们班里的学习委员。
原来林岚也曾是暴躁不羁的顽劣少年。
原来老妈也曾经认为林岚是个废物。
原来他们一起证明了我妈是错的。
原来那姑娘竟然和我一样倔强。
原来他一直活在我的阴影下。
原来她早就知道了有我在。
原来，曾经，他们也是那么般配。般配得，让老妈不爽，不服气。
她说，我初中时，那天去给我开家长会，她就看到我和林岚对视的方式不对劲。但她从来也什么都没说。她和我一样以为，林岚只是过客。没想到命运开了个这么大的玩笑。
林岚不记得莫盈的妈妈，但是没有忘记莫盈。但他还是这样记着我，然后跟别的姑娘谈恋爱。妈妈嘴里说出来，说出来，感觉她比我自己还要更气愤。林岚只是苦笑。
“你糟蹋完了我最好的学生，就来糟蹋我闺女了是吗？”
“妈！你这话是什么意思？”我妈那似笑非笑的表情让我瞬间怒不可遏。
“哟，翅膀硬了，敢跟老妈翻脸了是吗。”
“如果你不同意，你为什么早不说？你昨天又算怎么回事？说变脸就变脸？”
其实，我也没想到会有这么一天，我会跟母亲锋芒毕露地对峙。
“我想，您没有弄明白。Yumi，不是第三者。”沉默许久的林岚突然开腔，声音和眼神不容置疑。
妈妈看了他一眼，他也目不转睛地盯着她。我想象当年英语课上林岚会怎么怼她——女强人与少年的针锋相对。
“你这同时玩着两个人，你还有脸说我们家闺女是第三者？”
“妈！是我先……”
“你闭嘴！”她头也不转地指着我。
“我并没有玩弄谁。”林岚几乎是一字一顿地说，“而且，我和张慧敏已经分手了。到此为止了。”
老妈面色铁青。
“我很理解您的感受。但是，事情真的就是这样。顺便说一句，大过年的，她来找您真的是很糟糕的主意。”
噢，大概她也真的是走投无路了吧。选了这么一个糟糕的调停者，却有意外收获。
“行吧，有空约你爸妈出来见一面，大家聊聊。”
林岚离开以后，妈妈竟然，毫无征兆地抱着我哭了起来。
啜泣着，说，多怕我像她一样，被人抛弃。
人的怀疑就像裂纹，轻轻一碰，便是绵延迸散。真正的信任，是平衡，是均态。
林岚很聪明，但是也从来瞒不过我。
我很爱他，但是我并不惧怕失去他。
不论是我妈，还是Emma，大概都还是活着过去的阴影里。或即，或离，总是极端。
哀莫大于心死，虽然他说是Emma甩的他，但是大概，他也相当的失望。等她回过头来，想唤回故人，便与追求死人无异。
“执子之刃，戮我于颈。但求无悔，死之我幸。”到这时，我才明白他的这首小诗。
我看见林岚走的时候眼角的泪光。
如果说他对那份感情完全不上心，大概人家姑娘也不会跟他在一起长达七年，谁也不傻。但转念一想，我妈所谓的得意门生，也不过尔尔。
我很清楚，我的心态很平衡。得，皆大欢喜；失，负担得起。
对我来说，和他在一起，我很开心；和他上床，也不存在谁占便宜。
我知道代价和收益，所以我能心无旁骛。很可惜，大概我真的没法像言情小说里的女主角那么壮烈，爱得毫无保留、奋不顾身——不值得。对方不值得你这么对自己，这么对自己的你，也不值得对方去爱。
唯有平衡，势均力敌了，才能压制住试探人性的毁灭欲望。正如我没有过多追问林岚之前去见Emma的时候说了啥一样。虽然还是吃醋，但我根本不怕。不只是自信，我也更不怕他走。我有我的骄傲，我不是弃妇。
可能吧，或许未来的某个时间点我也许又会和他分开。谁知道呢，未来的事，多想也无用。我现在很幸福，过好现在，便是不亏待未来了。
但是这一次，就当下而言，我不会再像上一次一样让机会就这么溜走。彼时，大概大家都不够勇敢，也觉得自己没有准备好吧。其实哪要那么多周密部署和万全计划，人生之旅的乐趣还是在探索吧。
我说，妈你别担心，我能处理好的。
我知道我还差最后一件事。我要拜访一下某人。
